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I still remember what it was like to take a day off. Although, it’s been a long time since I did that for a specific reason. As much as I can see it from a certain perspective, I personally have never really been able to understand why toast comes to me unbuttered; no one even asks. Of course, such things are a matter of taste, but I’m not the kind of person who enjoys a dry chewy salad either. I expect food that has has been prepared with that vital ingredient called passion.

Perhaps it’s got a lot to do with age, and if so is all the more ironic. Another thing worth mentioning is that as far as I can tell, everyone actually wants something like the same, and why wouldn’t you? Literature, and movies endlessly stream out messages of the desire to live beyond the pale, proportionate to our encroaching middle agedness and beyond. Yet, mostly we don’t really do that.

In my experience the best relations are born of intimacy. I’m not talking about the kind of fantasist romantic reckoning that is an endless stream of dates; gentle conversations and late night text messages. Likewise, numerous times I have engaged in the back-and-forth of email messages; wondrous correspondence; massively stimulating; finding out much about someone, who in actuality, exists only as a visage projected through eyes of interpretation. Meeting in person is not the same thing. We may well have been pen pals. The sex was missing. Sexy, sweaty, slippery, salivating, nasty, noisy, dirty sex.

Strangely, as this would be obvious to many people, paradoxically, a good portion of society subscribes to the archaic concept of dating, right? There’s nothing actually wrong with dating itself, but there are at least two major downsides to the whole practice. I have always believed that there’s no romance without good sex; potential or realized. So firstly, for some pairs, it’s just not necessary. Here’s the kicker though, I do not want to wait a long time for my order, only to find that my toast hasn’t been buttered.

Hang in there, it goes deeper. When was the last time you went out to dinner; ate incredible food; got drunk; went out drinking some more; started kissing in public; got nasty in the taxi; woke up in the morning and both decided to take the day off work and stay in bed? Lucky for those of you who can say yes. The point of all this is that what was really going on in this example was passion and simply taking a chance. Sometimes, an endless procession of dates is really just putting-the-cart-before-the-horse.

The disclaimer here, is of course, that it’s not the same for everyone or every situation, and sometimes, dating someone and moving towards something greater really works, but ultimately it’s the sex, that’s the rub.

I like going out on dates, but it seems that with real sex not out of the way, the spell is not really cast, and to to the contrary, what would be dates, are now romantic dinners, with intimacy not possible without the precursor of great sex, and real closeness.

Even a kiss; sometimes, there is so much in a kiss.

I don’t know I got to be such an angry person, but I have this somewhat vague idea of the events that have really crystallized this state. From what I can remember, I have always been an uptight person; never settled, and now I feel, that the truth of it all is that it’s now really upon me.

In all honesty; everyone has their breaking point. That may seem like a very simple thing to say, but in all actuality; as a society; we have a very long way to go, in understanding the human condition. I knew a good man. I knew a man I looked up to; someone who I wasn’t, but aspired to be.

Nothing is more sobering than seeing a good person turn bad. In both reality and fiction, I have seen such great men and women on the edge; believing in what what was once the most grounding thing, now ,with time shifting like nature; an uncompromising resolve. I have seen the most selfless people exist with nothing but thankfulness for their lot. I have seen these people hold fast in the face of adversity. Seen them not compromise in hardship; witnessed the steadfast belief in nothing but the most quiet ideals.

Most of us, we could say, have lived a fortunate life. I know of a few things that I cannot yet fully welcome. As I have heard and identified with: “Our integrity is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free”. What else do we really have?

Everything breaks eventually.